Destroying of the BOAUK
by Knnyphph
Summary: Van Helsing, Dracula, and some new characters join together to destroy the Book of All Useless Knowledge (BOAUK). Some comical romance. Rating for strong language. (First three chapters rough.)
1. The Corny Into Chapter

So. There I was. Baaaaaalls deep...in a bunch of screen captures. I asked, "Do you love me?" He said.........well nothing - he was a screen capture!

(Sorry for anyone who knows the actual saying for this, and the fact that I had to bring it up. It just seems like the perfect way to begin a story doesn't it?)

Rating: PG-13 for language and violence

Genre: Humor, comical romance, satire, parody, possible psuedomelodrama (Oooh, that was a fun word!), let's cover all the bases and also say horror, and sci-fi too.

Disclaimer: Let's just put it this way; I don't own anything except "Niff" and the computer I'm typing this on.

WARNING: Please do not be offended by anything in this fic. If you cannot take a joke or if you prefer serious or sensible fanfics, please do not criticize if you do infact decide to read it. This is purely me having fun writing to amuse my friends, as well as myself, before and over my Christmas break. If you like it, awesome! If you hate it, I don't really care!

(Yes, it IS in script format, but I found that it's easier to get a joke out that way, so excuse my format. Free thinking and expression right?!)

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The Corny Intro Chapter

So, if someone told you that one day you'd scale a mountain, kill wild beasts, and eat the occasional starfruit, what would you say? Why you probably wouldn't say anything, infact it'd be more along the lines of doing something (which may or may not involve eating their liver with fava beans and a nice chianti). Maybe you'd slay them with preferred choice of pointy object, or maybe you'd be like "yeah, whatever" and walk away while secretly planning their demise. However, if you did this, you're not the average person. Come to think of it, if someone told you that one day you'd scale a mountain, kill wild beasts, and eat the occasional starfruit, then you're probably not the average person anyway.

The point I'm getting to is, unless you're one of those people who would scale a mountain, kill wild beasts, and eat the occasional starfruit, or eat someone for telling you so, you probably won't appreciate this story. Why? Because this story is about some average people who aren't so average.

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Don't worry, the next chapters are a lot better and a LOT longer.

I wish this site would allow asterisks in their fics. (You know, those little star things normally used for actions?) Anyway, I'm now forced to use a very, in my opinion, juvenile way of writing actions. Ex: ::shakes head sadly::


	2. WTF

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Chapter One - W-T-F

The first character in our story is a sixteen year old girl named Niff, who lives with her parents and brother in a small suburban home. (It doesn't get much more cliche than that folks.) When she first appears, we find her in her bed sleeping; dreaming really.

She tosses and turns in her sleep. No doubt a bad dream of some sort. Hurray for the side effects of Zoloft! (He's such a happy white circle on his Zoloft, until he goes to sleep...THEN THERE'S HELL TO PAY!!).....

-Zooms into dreamy-like scene-

We see from the girl's point of view. We also seem to be in some sort of small cave, and lying on the floor. When suddenly, in walks in none other than Vlad the Impaler. Yes. Vlad the Impaler, in silver armor and carrying ofcourse, the trademark pointy stick. We feel fear along with the girl in her dream. Vlad suddenly begins stabbing the girl, except he only thinks he's stabbing her. She realizes that nothing is happening, so just to make sure he doesn't actually stab her she fake screams out in pain. Oddly, even though he keeps missing, she's bleeding all over the place. Vlad laughs and then finishes his "stabbing".

"When you're done, wipe your blood on my left shoulder, Edward." Vlad said, and he left.

We now have some strange realization that we/the girl are Edward I of England...in a girl's body... Keeping with strange realizations, we somehow know that Vlad has a crush on the us/the girl. None the less, the girl gets up and runs out of the cave, across some sort of yard, and into a long-grass field. She continues running because she knows Vlad will be chasing her shortly, and ofcourse, we have the legs-feeling-like-lead part of the nightmare........

-Fade out-

Niff shot straight up in bed and the only two thoughts that crossed her mind were "IS HE HERE?!" and "W-T-F?!". And yes, we mean "w-t-f".

Many miles away and two hundred-fifty years in the past (because we all know that because of those damn time zones, all of Europe is still in the 19th century.....(I personally blame the iceburgs...and orange jello...)) Dracula jumps out of his coffin and the only two things crossing _his _mind were "....Edward was kind of hott..." and "WHY HASN'T SOMEONE MADE A NICE ACRONYM FOR 'WHAT THE FUCK' YET?!"

-Author commentary/narration-

First, we all know that we have no control over what we do or say in dreams, and we all also know that if you have a dream with someone in it, they're having the same dream, just with their perspective. Right? Yes. Good.

Now we all must also realize that in the dream Vlad looks a whole hell of a lot different than Dracula does, even though they're the same person, they're more like alter-egos of each other. Let's make this simple: the historic Dracula appears in the dream, and fictional Dracula is the one living...well I was gonna say living and breathing, but he really doesn't do either of those now does he? And hell, if Niff decides to show up in a dream as Edward I of England, then Dracula can be his scary-ass alter-ego. (Now, you all may be wondering, "Why couldn't she just make things easy and write something that doesn't need an explanation?" That's because the dream that Niff has, is probably the only real thing in this story. ONWARD!)

-End author commentary/narration-

Niff stared around the room for awhile. After such a startling wake up, she had to take a moment to figure out where she was. She shifted out of her deer-in-the-headlights, glazed over stare and rolled out of bed. She had a thing for sleeping directly on the floor, so it was a very literal "roll out of bed". Niff put on a pair of jeans and a grey BOA tee shirt, and proceeded to get ready for the day.

It seemed like an average day; The daily cursing of the sunlight, stumbling around to find pants, eating whatever she could find for breakfast, the usual. Ofcourse she only realized that her shirt smelled like smoke from the club she went to the night before, after she had put it on.

Niff: ::smells shirt:: God damnit!

She stumbled back down two flights of stairs to her room to put on a new shirt.

Niff: (grumbling) Ok, so it serves me right that I picked it off the floor and put it on....but still!

Niff took off her shirt and opened her closet door for a clean one.

At the chance of this story becoming very boring with the telling of how this and that happened and such and such, NIFF OPENED HER CLOSET DOOR WHICH HAPPENED TO BE A MAGIC PORTAL!

Niff: Well that certainly makes things easier!...I mean..._Oh look! A portal!_....Though more importantly, how the hell am I supposed to find a shirt now? .... Wait... looks up at ceiling ...God?

Narrator: Well it was either that or we'd have to buy rights to use Alex's magical flying carp. And as far as anyone's concerned, I'm the God-mod of this story, thank you, being the narrator and all.

Niff: I guess that makes sense.

Narrator: See? Now all is well and we can continue with the story! ONWARD!

Niff: I still want a shirt. ..... Hello?! ............. Damnit!

Niff stood and pondered for a moment in only a black bra, jeans, a black pyramid-stud belt, and black tennis shoes.

Niff: Why couldn't you make me magically sexy?!

And at that, Niff was nudged ever so gently into the screaming, whirling, vortex of doom. (It uh, may or may not lead to Eastern Europe where our second character was previously introduced..... (How's that for foreshadowing?!))


	3. An Angry Mob and Some Rocky Horror

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Chapter Two - Niff encounters an angry mob and some rocky horror

For the lack of knowing how the hell to start this chapter... NIFF SUDDENLY LANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF A SMALL EASTERN EUROPEAN VILLAGE DURING THE 19TH CENTURY!

Niff: ::slowly begins to pick herself up off the ground:: Uhhhghh....

Villagers scream and run away, only to come back a few moments later with pitchforks, torches, and un-tuned harmonicas.

The villagers begin yelling and poking Niff with their pitchforks.

Villager 1: Witch!

Villager 2: Vampire!

Villager 3: Whore!

Everyone stops and stares at the third villager.

Villager 3: Well look at what she's wearing!

All villagers: Oh...

They begin agreeing with eachother and then immediately become an angry mob once more.

Niff: ::grunts:: Get away from me! Who are you people and what do you want?! STOP POKING ME!!

The villagers stop their prodding as one steps forward.

Villager: No one who falls from the sky and lives must be of good heart!

Niff: ::begins to stand up:: I'm of good heart; I volunteer and-

Villager: (cutting her off) No matter! You are a creature of evil and now you must have your punishment!

The villagers nod and mutter in agreement, as the villager stops her from moving by putting up his pitchfork at her. Niff looks very worried as the harmonica players begin to put their instruments up to their lips. Thinking quickly...

Niff: Can I atleast have a question answered?

Villager: I suppose; What is your question?

Niff: Why do you people have torches lit during the middle of the day?

Random villager: A vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch!

Niff: (sarcastically) _Yeah_, depending on how fast you can run with one....

All villagers: GASP

Niff: ........DID I MENTION I LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?!

Everyone stops, and begins chatting to eachother. The villager who talked before, who also seems to be the leader, stepped forward once again.

Villager: Do you speak the truth?

Niff: ::eyes shift:: _Ofcourse_ I do!.... I mean _who doesn't like the Village People?_...heh..::eyes shift::

Villager: Well why didn't you say so?! Anyone who listens to music that is disco has a right to live.

He turns around to his fellow villagers.

Villager: Sorry guys; there won't be a burning today.

All villagers: Aww....

They all slowly begin to walk away and resume on their daily business.

Niff feels incredibly relieved and takes a deep breath.

Niff: (to herself) That was waaaay too close....

She shuddered when she thought of actually liking the Village People....

Villager: ::smiling and giggling as he talked:: So...who's you're favorite? I personally like the construction worker...

Niff: Heh, uh, yeah...me too.... Say, could you happen to tell me where I am?

Villager: Oh! Yes, I'm sorry, you're in Transylvania! ::thunderbolt::

Niff: ::looks at the sky curiously:: Does it always do that when you say-?

Suddenly a female villager points towards the sky behind Niff and the lead villager.

Female villager: LADYBUGS!! RUN!!

Niff and the lead villager spin around and see a giant swarm of ladybugs heading towards village.

Villager: Oh my God! Run for your life!

The villager ran at a break-neck speed towards the nearest wooden building.

Niff figured it would be a good idea to do that as well, with all of the screaming and the running and the terror and such. But ofcourse, since this is the type of story that is it, Niff runs towards the scary-ass castle on the far away hill.

Somehow she manages to outrun the ladybugs and impending doom. But now, she has a new obstacle in front of her. She stared up at the huge house that she was now in the shadow of.

Niff: (to herself) Well, if I put two and two together, (creepy castle...in Transylvania... ::thunderbolt:: ::Niff looks up at the sky cockeyed:: ). Anyway, this must be the castle of Count Dracula!!

At the thought of a tall, pale, undead man, with long black hair, Niff was quite giddy to knock on the door. Unfortunately, she did not find what she was expecting...._at all_.

Niff: ::knocks on door:: Helloooo?

The door is opened by a hunchback. From inside Niff can hear a large crowd of people singing and dancing in unison ("...I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!...").

Niff: ::eyes go wide:: ......I think I'm at the wrong house....

Hunchback: Are you _suuuure_?

Niff: Yes. Very, _very _sure.....I'll just be going now; sorry to bother!......

She walked quickly away from the house into the dark of the night, still with wide eyes.

::Thunderbolt::

Niff: ::stops:: I was wondering when that was going to happen....

(yelling at the sky) Little late, weren't you?!

Narrator: Shut up! Now go to the right castle so we can continue on with our story!

Niff glares at the sky and then continues on her path across the hill, but then stops abruptly.

Niff: Wait... Did anyone else realize that as soon as I got to the castle it became night time?

Narrator: Oh please! Everyone knows that when you reach a scary-ass castle it's always dark and scary! Plus you're looking for a vampire, remember?!

Niff: That's still no excuse! It's like how there was a constant full moon every night during Pirates of the Caribbean; it just doesn't work!

Narrator: Fine!

AND SUDDENLY THE LAND MAGICALLY FELL INTO DARKNESS!

Niff: Thank you. Now where did you say the correct castle was?

Narrator: Dear God! I can't take much more of this! Just here!.....

AND SUDDENLY DRACULA'S CASTLE APPEARED AS IF BY A MAGIC......OR A REALLY PISSED OFF NARRATOR!

Niff: (with a giant grin) Thank yooou!

And at that, Niff made her way across the large yard of the castle, in the darkness.

Niff: (Hell yeah, I am. By the way, does anyone care that it's hella cold out here and I'm STILL NOT WEARING A SHIRT?!)

Narrator: (No.)


	4. Niff Finds a Shirt

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Chapter Three - Niff finds a shirt..sort of...

(This chapter dedicated to Brady and Allison!)

Niff: ::shivering:: Oh my God, it's so cold out here....

Niff muttered darkly under her breath as she made her way up the lawn of the dark and looming castle ahead.

Niff: Fucker fucking fuck fuck fuck.... (grumble grumble grumble)

Narrator: Oh _that's_ nice.

Niff: HEY! Who's the tormented character here? NOT YOU! ME! I can say "fuck" all I want, fucker! And until you give me a shirt or make some warmer weather, your name will be changed to Fucker, Fucker!

Fucker: You're quite pathetic, you know that?

Niff: Not caring!.......Fucker....

Narrator: ::sigh:: Can we please continue on with the plot now?

Niff: HEY! You can't change your name back!

Narrator: Well actually yes I can; I'm the narrator and therefore have direct connections with the author.

Niff: ......... Damnit!

AND SUDDENLY THE STORY-LINE WAS MAGICALLY CONTINUED!

Niff: (I hate you.)

Narrator: (I know.)

Niff was finally at the doorstep of the castle, if you could even call it that. It was so massive it was more like a giant stone slab infront of the gate....kind of like a doorstep... Either way, she was over-come with the massive size of the structure.

Niff: ....Holy hell....

As soon as she came to grips with herself, she tried to realize why she was infact where she was. But that was too late because as soon as she began to doubt her reasons, a hunchback opened the large door.

Niff: ::making sure that this was not the same hunchback from the previous castle:: .... Hi!

Hunchback: ...Um...y helo thar?

Niff: .......

Hunchback: ....... so...... Whatz j00r purpose f0r being har? Because if j00 don't have one Igor will have to drag j00 to t3h torture towerzorz.

(thinking to himself) "pwnd!"

Niff: ::eyes go wide:: Why would you do something to that extreme?

Hunchback: (perplexed) Well...I don't kno. ::Shrugs:: It's wut I do.

Niff: Oh... Well in that case I'm here about the thing.

Hunchback: T3h thing?....

Niff: ::acting like it was obvious:: Yeah, the _thing_. _You _know....

The confused-as-hell hunchback figured it was best that he just let her in. He would not want his master to torture him for being stupid again.

Hunchback: _Ohhh.....yeeeah.......t3h THING...._ Righ7. Righ7. Igor understandz. Come in; it roxxorz.....

Once inside, Igor pointed down a dark hallway that lead deep into the heart of the castle.

Igor: Igor thinkz hiz m4ster will find t3h young miss if she goes that wayz.

Niff turned and looked down the dark hallway. It seemed to lead into a large room. She looked back to thank the 1337-speaking hunchback, but he had vanished.

Niff: Hmm... I wonder where he went...

(yelling) Where are you?!

Igor: (from the darkness) Igor haz left t3h server and haz disconnected!

Niff: ::gives a weirded-out look:: Whatever..... In any case, I'm glad to be out of the cold and atleast there are fires lit in here.

She walked down the hallway and felt a little uneasy. I mean, aside from the impaled-villager skeletons hanging off the walls, it was a decent place. Suddenly Niff heard someone walking towards her. She hid behind a large statue and peeked out to see who it was.

It was a tall figure in all black, with pale skin, and long dark hair; Dracula.

Dracula: I know you're here, whoever you are. I can hear your heartbeat....

He began clapping the beat of Niff's heart.

This sent a chill up her spine, but "oh two can play this game.....let's see how well he can play Floating 16ths..." she thought to herself. And at that Niff began to hold her breath.

Dracula's claps got slower.

Niff then suddenly started breathing very quickly.

Dracula gave a cockeyed expression as he tried to adjust his clapping to match Niff's heartbeat.

After a few minutes, Dracula looked like a mentally ill child trying to clap.

Dracula: ::growling:: FINE! YOU WIN!

Niff came out from her hiding pace trying not to crack up. When Dracula saw her, he immediately adopted his usual calm and seductive exterior personality.

Dracula: ::walking slowly towards her:: Who are you?

Niff: (as if stuck in a trance) I'm Niff....

Dracula: Ah. A pleasure to meet you, Niff. I am-

Niff: (cutting him off) Dead sexy....

::shaking out of the trance:: Er...sorry...Dracula; your name is Count Dracula...

Dracula: snickering to himself Yes, Count _Vladislaus _Dracula.

Niff: Oooh! "Vlad"; That's hott.

Dracula: I'm glad you think so; I have other nicknames as well...

::begins ranting off names:: Count Dracula, the Devil, Doctor Vlad, Dragon, Drake, Justin Drake, Father Death, the Impaler, Lord of the Damned, Lord of the Undead, Lord of the Vampires, Prince of Darkness, Vlad the Impaler, Vlad Tepes, Vladimir Tepesch, and Kaziglu Bey...

Niff: (a bit shocked) Wow... You know, I like a man with a lot of names...

......Say, that's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

And at that, Dracula realized what he was getting into, and thinking that what Niff just said was a pick-up line, he also started rattling off some really cheesey ones.

Niff: .....seriously. I want it.

Dracula: ::getting up close to her:: So...if I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Niff: ::blinks:: Is that rhetorical?

Dracula: Let me put it this way... I'd really like to get to gnaw you, and I've always been a sucker for a pretty face.

Niff: (after a few seconds) Oh! Hahaha! I get it! Because you're a vampire and...hahaha! I get it!

Dracula hit his forehead with his palm and then ran it back through his hair.

Dracula: Yeah...

By this time, Niff actually realized that an extremely hott (though undead) man was hitting on her. And at that, got very close to the count, and said the most cheesey pick-up line ever created.

Niff: So what's in _your _Wonderball?

They both suddenly froze with eyes wide, as a loud voice from out of nowhere began singing the Wonderball jingle.

"OH I WONDER, WONDER OOH AHH DOO AHH OOH!

WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!

WHO KNOWS WHAT SURPRISES, A WONDERBALL WILL HIDE!

YUMMY NESTLE CHOCOLATE, WITH CANDY SHAPES INSIDE!

OH I WONDER, WONDER OOH AHH DOO AHH OOH!

WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!

WHAT'S IN YOUR WONDERBALL?!"

Dracula: ::Blinks:: .................

Niff: ::Blinks:: ............. That was.....odd....

Dracula: Yeah............ Wanna go make out?

Niff: OK! ::jumps on him and they both fall out of sight::

Later on....

We see Niff with messy hair and there are visible bite marks on her neck, sitting on a couch. Shortly after we see her, we see Dracula with ofcourse _perfect_ hair-

Dracula: Hey now... I'm a vampire from a in a technical standpoint badly written movie; I _have_ to have nice hair. ::Takes a strand and pulls it behind his ear::

Narrator: Fair enough.

We see Dracula sitting in a chair without a shirt,

Niff: (I FOUND A SHIRT!! HAHA!!)

who sadly has more bite marks than Niff does.

Niff goes over to Dracula and sits on his lap.

Niff: So since you bit me, does that make me a vampire now?

Dracula: No, I have to drain atleast half of your blood for that to happen.

Niff: (Kind of dissapointed) Oh...

Dracula: (muttering) Don't worry, you're still scary as hell....

Niff: (pretending like she didn't hear) You know, I really have no idea who you are; maybe we should go on a date or something.

Dracula: That seems like a good idea. Though I have no idea where we'd go because whenever I go somewhere people start screaming and there's mass hysteria.

Niff: Well, when I landed here I saw a place a little ways off from the village I fell in.

Dracula: You mean the Ye Olde Tavern?

Niff: It had to be; it's cliche after all.

Dracula: Very true. Alright, that works. I don't think there will be too much of a problem with the villagers if we go there.

Igor slowly walked into the room and stood before them silently, with head bowed.

Dracula: Igor, why are you here; what have you done now?

Igor: Igor haz brokenz t3h Easy-Bake Oven again, Mastorz...

Dracula: ::sigh:: Did you try to make html code alphabet soup in it again?...

Igor: ........yesh Mastorz....

Dracula: ::hits forehead with palm:: Leave us, Igor.

Igor: Yesh Mastorz...

The hunchback walks out of the room.

Igor: (from the hallway) Igor haz been disconnected!

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(::Dramatic action music plays::)

Will we find out the plot of the this story?

Will we meet two new main characters?

Will there be a scene with a random beachball?

COMING SOON: Chapter Four - Doughnuts and Wooden Furniture

(::Music fades out::)

Chapter Four is already half way written, I just have to get off my ass and write the rest of it. I have so much stuff written down to use later in this fic, you have no idea...


	5. The Ye Olde Tavern

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Chapter Four - The Ye Olde Tavern

(Be warned: This chapter is slightly more serious compared to the previous ones.)

I'm going to pull a William Goldman here, and say that the original plan of this storyline was to show the change of days between Niff and Dracula's meeting and what happened between then and now. However, what was written was very long and boring (especially to the author of this story who is very lazy and ADD), so I left it out. ::wink wink::

So! Let's all imagine that it's now late December and Niff has been living in a room above a store within the village, for the past week. Sick of answering questions about her appearance,

(Villager: Where did you get your shoes, and what is this "mall" you speak of?)

she has discarded all of her 21st century styled clothing and has found a new wardrobe for herself. Though, unlike the female villagers in this story, Niff now wears a long sleeved shirt under a corset, pants, and strapped boots; all of which ofcourse, are black.

---

We now find our two characters, Niff and Dracula, walking down a snow-covered dirt road together. Both are in dark cloaks; Niff in one for warmth, Dracula in one to keep the sun off of him and for not wanting to cause mass hysteria among the village people.

(The Cop: Oh my gosh! Is that Count Dracula?

The Native American: No, I don't think so.

The Cop: Ok good, for a second there I thought we'd all have to break into mass hysteria...

All Village People: (singing) Macho, macho mahhhhn... )

Dracula was a bit nervous because in all 440 years of his life, he had never taken anyone on a date; he claimed that all of the women in his life came to _him _and then they just kinda stayed there... Niff was also nervous. Not only that, but she was still quite beside herself at the thought of dating a tall, pale, dead-

(Dracula: UN-dead, thank you; there's an enormous difference.)

(Narrator: Sorry. I swear, you're becoming worse than Niff...)

(Dracula: (Clearly insulted) I demand you take that back!)

(Narrator: ::rolls eyes:: Moving on...)

_-un_dead man, who happened to be incredibly hott.

Niff: Alright, so, I'm confused.

Dracula: About what?

Niff: Why in the world have you not drained my blood yet? I mean, you're Count Dracula; you're not supposed to show mercy and all of that other crap. Don't you normally just seduce a woman, turn her into a vampire, and then you just kind of move on?

Dracula: Well, yeah actually. But that would completely change the planned plot of this whole fanfic.

Niff: Oh. Yeah, I forgot about that. It'd just be another Drac/OC fic written by a crazed fan girl.

Dracula: Life's a bitch ain't it?

Niff: ::stops walking:: ...since when do you say "ain't"?...

Ignoring the fact that he went completely OOC as well as the question being presented, Dracula stopped walking and stood in front of the "Ye Olde Tavern". Niff scurried up next to him.

Niff: (looking at the building) It's very....

Dracula: Cliche?

Niff: Yeah.

Dracula: ::nods:: Let's go in.

Niff walked up the short stairs and in through the door with Dracula right behind her. She had never seen a place quite like this before, atleast in person. Inside was a bar at the back, and many tables scattered throughout. There were many shifty looking characters that only took brief notice of their appearance. Dracula had his cloak hood up that cast a shadow over his face, as not to give away his cover.

They had only waited a few moments before a waitress came up to them with a forced cheery smile.

Waitress: So how are you folks this afternoon?

As she said this, a loud noise came from the bar area behind the waitress.

Niff: God, what was that?!

A glass had fallen to the floor.

Dracula: _God_ had nothing to do with it...

He said it with hatred in his voice at the thought of God. But as he said it, all of the lights flickered and a man at a nearby table spontaneously combusted.

The waitress spun around at hearing the man screaming and then quickly turned back around with wide eyes. The burnt man was still smoldering and giving off a stream of black smoke.

Waitress: So! I see you'll want the smoking section... Right this way!

Niff rolled her eyes at both of them and grabbed Dracula's arm as the waitress lead them to a table.

Dracula: (whispering) Since when has the Ye Olde Tavern been a sit-down type restraunt?

Niff: ::shrugging:: How the hell should I know?

Waitress: (Overhearing) It's not. I was just forced this job because I lost a bet with the manager.

Figuring it was best not to say anything, Niff and Dracula sat down at their booth and just kind of stared at each other until the waitress had left. Since it was dark where they were sitting, Dracula took off his cloak and set it down next to him.

Niff: Well, wait... So, is she coming back or is anyone coming over here to take our order?

Dracula was a bit perplexed himself and merely shrugged.

Dracula: I think we should just wait a little while before making any action.

Niff: Good idea. You know, it's really sweet of you to take me out in the middle of the day like this. I mean, with you being a vampire and all.

Dracula: Don't mention it. ::winks::

Niff gave a small smile back at him and blushed. It wasn't like her to be all mushy over a guy but she couldn't help herself. Trying not to just completely stare at him, she continued on with their short, current conversation.

Niff: I'm serious though, because won't you die if you get in the sunlight?

Dracula: No, it'll turn me into ashes but as soon as the sun comes off of me I'll go back to my normal state. Plus, I've already died twice.

Niff: (quite shocked) ::raises an eyebrow:: _Twice?_

Dracula: ::Smirking:: Yes, twice. The first time I was a human and made a pact with the Devil and such and such.. (Kind of waving it away) But the second time, I was killed by a man named Van Helsing... Well actually, come to think of it, both times I was killed by Gabriel... ::Incoherent muttering::

He had loathing in his voice as he said the name and there was hatred in his eyes. Niff had only once heard of this man that Dracula spoke of, but she couldn't put a name to a face. The look of anger and inner torment slid off his face as he continued on with his story.

Dracula: ...my weakness was the bite of a werewolf; somehow he managed to find out and use it to his advantage. But ofcourse, I went back to Hell after that. Fortunately, the Devil found it more amusing for him to watch me suffer up here, rather than down there. So, now I'm on Earth again, and werewolves have no affect on me anymore.

He said this almost proudly, and wore a dark grin that made him look even more devilish than before, especially for whomever heard the conversation. Dracula had a feeling of superiority and power over Niff in his mind as he revealed to her what had happened to him before their first encounter with eachother.

Now granted, Niff knew that she was in the presence of a creature who happened to be quite evil, but I guess it hadn't really dawned on her until now that he was infact, well, _evil_. She had always had a thing for creepy guys but every once in a while there'd be a guy who'd come around and she wouldn't be sure if he was "creepy-hott" or just "creepy". But up until this very moment, she never had a "scary-as-fuck" catagory; but like I said, up until this point...

-Zoom to the opposite side of the Ye Olde Tavern-

Woman: Yeah I hear yah there... ::Takes a drink from her glass::

A woman sat at a booth drinking what seemed to be a glass of liquor, most likely absinthe. Apparently agreeing with a previous comment made by the creature opposite of her, she nodded along with the response. She had shoulder length brown hair, which was tied back into a bun, and blue eyes. She looked around the age of 30 and yet her real age was only about 18. The woman was actually quite pretty, which was why it was hard to explain why she seemed to be on a date with an armadillo. Strange fetish perhaps?

From the other side of the table sat a large armadillo. It's common knowledge that all armadillos are alcoholics, and are all named Joshua. That's just the way it is. Anyway, this is the point in the story where the author somehow has to fit in her friend's strange request for being in the story as a drug-addicted armadillo, so beware the personification.

Joshua: ::Takes a sip of his drink:: You know Britt, I know we just met but-.

Britt: (Interrupting) Josh, I told you, we can only be friends if that. I think that maybe I should leave...

Josh having no friends was quite desperate for company and quite often bribed people for their time with drugs or alcohol.

Joshua: NO! Please stay... I'll buy you another drink? Please?

-Zoom back to Dracula and Niff-

Niff was terrified. What had she gotten herself into? She was on a date with Vlad the Impaler. _Vlad the Impaler_ for godsakes! Oh no, and this wasn't just Vlad the Impaler either, this was Vlad the Impaler on steroids. A man who impaled people on sticks for amusement while he was alive, killed, re-born by Satan into a vampire, killed again, once again re-born by the Devil, and now sitting infront of her on a dinner date in the Ye Olde Freaking Tavern! Her mouth went dry and she began trembling. The worst feeling Niff could ever feel was the combination of fear and worry, the feeling she had right now. If she could have moved her legs, she'd probably have run, but in her current state of fear there wasn't much she could do.

Dracula watched as fear took over the girl sitting before him. It amused him to a point, but then realized that he actually liked Niff. She wasn't like anyone he had been with before, and she was especially not like his last three brides, who happened to be way too melodramatic. In other words, he didn't want to make her flee in terror on the first date.

Niff started to say something but it only came out as a nervous squeak. Smiling gently, Dracula lightly put his hand over hers on the table. She jumped a bit and looked at it. Surprising she felt a little better, and started to look up at him. Dracula sat up and leaned over the table towards her. Still leaving his hand on hers, he took his other hand and slowly put it against the side of her face, under her chin to raise her face to meet his. Their eyes met, blue on blue.

Looking into his eyes, Niff felt calmed and safe. She opened her mouth to say something, but he put his thumb over her mouth to quiet her. Still smiling, he tried to think of something romantic to say, but sadly all he could come up with was,

Dracula: (Seriously) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

Dracula moved his thumb away from her lips and at that same moment Niff started laughing at the sheer stupidity and inuendo of his comment. This made him giggle a little bit as well as he moved closer and planted a soft kiss on her lips. He pulled away and took his hand off her face. Niff blushed but gently gripped his hand that was still on hers.

-Zoom back to Britt and Joshua-

He was really pleading at this point. Being an armadillo in Northern Transylvania was a hard life, and Britt was the only person who had even talked to him this long. Apparently they had met at an AA meeting and it was quite obvious that neither of them was getting anything out of it.

Britt: ::Sigh:: ...Alright. One more drink, but that's it!

Truth be told, Britt was only on this "date" because she felt bad for the plated rodent. That and the fact she was getting free absinthe. Even though Joshua was from the area, Britt was not, and was a bit concerned of her surroundings. She never fit in well at taverns.

Joshua: (Relieved) Great! I'll be right back with our drinks!

He jumped down from the booth seat and scurried towards the bar. being careful not to get stepped on.

-Zoom back to Dracula and Niff-

They just sat there and stared at eachother for a while, both with small smiles. "Maybe he's just misunderstood", thought Niff after thinking about her previous ideas of him. Though after a short while, wanting to break the tension, and realizing that no one had come to their table yet, Dracula decided it would be a good time to head to the bar.

Dracula: I guess I'll to go to the bar to get us something. What'd you like?

Niff, surprised at the sudden question, snapped back into reality. She, not even knowing what the Ye Olde Tavern served, looked around at the other tables in the room to see what everyone else was eatting. Unfortunately, nothing looked remotely appetizing.

Niff: I'll just have what you're having.

Thinking better of it...

Niff: Wait! No! Bad idea. Umm... I'll just have some sort of chicken sandwich.

Dracula: ::Snickering to himself:: Alright, I'll be right back.

After giving her a quick grin. He let go of her hand, got up, and strode over to the bar, trying not to make notice of himself. The room was filled with people who seemed to be the usual mix of gruff, mildly evil, and mythical people along with some traveling strangers who wouldn't know the difference between a hell beast and an iMac; knowing this, he didn't bother putting his cloak back on. Granted, the people in the tavern who were regulars to the area would recognize him, but for the most part they wouldn't care; it's not like vampires just randomly attack anything that moves.

BUT, speaking of things that _do_ randomly attack anything that moves, the door of the Ye Olde Tavern swung open, and in stepped a tall man with a large coat, a brown hat, and quite an array of weapons attached to him. Van Helsing.

---------------------

Please feel free to review or comment on anything. I don't appreciate flaming, but if you have any ideas, please feel free to express them. (Or,if the case may be, need anything explained. )

I'm not sure when Chapter 5 will be up, but probably within the month.


	6. Angels and Doughnuts

-

Chapter - 5

Angels and Doughnuts

-

Amaruk Wolfheart - Thanks! I'm glad you find my writing funny! This thing is riddled with inside jokes, so I was hoping it would be amusing to the online readers.

chiefhow - Thank you for all your reviews! I've never had anyone actually review my stuff chapter by chapter before! (I absolutely adore your VH parody, btw.)

Renee - Hmm... We will have to see what will happen between Van and Drac. Dracula is easily my favorite character (for many reasons), but he has a certain purpose in this story. That's all I'll say at this point. Anyway, glad you like it!

Countess Keira  - After reading your review, I made sure that this fic would be done by January. This month has been extremely hectic, so it's been hard finding time to write at my computer.

Alright, so I know I said that the last chapter title would be different from "The Ye Olde Tavern". Obviously I lied. But! I did learn to never name a chapter until you're finished with it.

Do note that the greater part of this chapter was written during the week of my mid term exams.

-

Van Helsing took a glance around the room.

A few months ago while in Rome, an angel came to him. Van Helsing, being Holy slayer of everything, listened intently as the angel told him of a book; a book that held all of the knowledge of anything and everything - the Book of All Useless Knowledge. Van Helsing didn't understand why it was so important to know about it, then again, he didn't understand much anyway. The angel explained that this book was evil, for it held the answer to everything, and when humans even _think_ they know everything, horrible things happen. The angel claimed that only God could know everything, so this book must be destroyed. Out of all of this, Van Helsing understood "evil""horrible", and "destroy". He asked how he could get this book in order to destroy it. The angel chucked it at his head, obviously annoyed, and just for good measure, told him to find three companions to help him destroy it (just in case...).

"At a tavern outside a small village in Transylvania, you will find a woman who is a combat artist in top physical condition, a woman who is an expert in changing appearances, and a Christ figure", the angel said. Meanwhile Van Helsing was writing all of this down. "Why a Christ figure", he asked. "Because every good story has to have one." Van Helsing also quickly wrote this down.

Van Helsing knew what he had to do (after reading over and over again what it was). He packed up all of the items he might need, including the BOAUK, as he was happily reminded to take it by notice of the Cardinal. The Cardinal forbid Carl to go as well, as he knew that Carl was obsessed with absorbing information; the book in the hands of the friar, was a frightening thought. And so for the past few months, Van Helsing had been stopping at random taverns all across the country by himself. As he arrived at this particular Ye Olde Tavern, he got a very good feeling that this would be the one where he could find his party.

As he looked about the room, he realized that there wasn't much of a diversity of people in there, atleast compared to the other taverns he had been to. Most customers were large, hairy men, all of whom were quite drunk, but he still kept his hopes up. Seeing as how the angel hadn't told him directly how to get to the tavern, he thought maybe it would be a sign in the sky. So, just like the birth of Jesus, he followed the brightest thing in the sky - currently the sun. And so, whenever the sun was directly above a tavern (noon), he would stop at it. Finding nothing at those taverns didn't surprise him though because as soon as he went outside, the sun had moved again. There were quite a few times when he had almost abandoned all hope... Oddly enough, they were all at night.

Even though it was the middle of the day, the tavern was still dark inside, as it had no windows aside from the two at the door making the back of the tavern and the bar dimly lit. As he was not nearly able to see everyone neither near the bar nor towards the back, he figured that this was a great time to take charge. Filling up his lungs, he was about to announce his quest when-

-Zoom to the bar-

Joshua, who was completely determined to make a friend out of this date, was actually trying to decide whether he should buy Britt one or two more drinks. That is, if he even made it to the bar. There were many people in the tavern that gave him vicious looks; looks like"mmm, you'd be good with a side salad". That, and the fact he was a small creature and found it hard just to get around in a building such as this.

-Author commentary-

Hmm... yes, I keep coming back to this point in the chapter not sure of what to write. But, that's the beauty of writing your own fanfic - you can write whatever the hell you want. So without going into great detail-

-End author commentary-

Dracula went up to the bar, and stood there for a moment until he saw what appeared to be a black-haired woman come around. She had her back turned to him, but he liked the look of her, even if it was just from back. Instead of directly putting in an order, (and being the creature that he is), seductively gave her a pickup line.

Dracula: (A little loudly so she could hear) If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Dracula was not expecting what happened next. When the woman heard him, she giggled, and turned around revealing that she wasn't a woman at all. Infact, it was a man (who looked mysteriously like Tim Curry), dressed as a woman. Or maybe it was perhaps that the woman was just very manly. (Though it was really a little of both...) Either way Dracula went very pale, more so than usual...if that's possible, and his eyes went very wide.

Dr. F N' F: Why Vladislaus, darling, how sweet of you! You know how I like men like yourself...

Dracula: .:Backs away: We have already discussed our differences, _Doctor,_ and I still want you to stay the hell away from me. We're neighbors, and that's ALL.

Dr. F N' F: .:Sighs: You know you want me... :Winks: Remember, there's a light-

Chorus members: Over at the Frankenstein place!

Dracula: No! Stop! Everyone just stop! I don't want to be caught in the middle of a musical number, all I want is to place a damn order:Glares at everyone with fangs bared:

-Author commentary-

You know, it's really quite odd how some of these songs line up with the story line of Van Helsing, atleast in my head anyway... Sorry, anyway, I'll stop typing these comments and let you continue on reading...

-End author commentary-

Amazingly, no one in the tavern seemed to notice the yelling or the singing. Then again, people in musicals never seem to notice when people break out into song anyway.

Dracula retracted his fangs, straightened out his jacket, and moved up to the bar again. The doctor put on a straight face and waited for Dracula to place his order. At this point, Joshua had made his way to the bar as well. He recognized Dracula and immediately became frightened and focused his gaze away from the vampire.

Dracula: Right then, so I'll have one Ye Olde Chicken, two Ye Olde Potatoes, a large glass of blood-

Dr. F N' F: We are currently on our happy hour, and today we are serving goat, chicken, horse, and human blood.

Dracula: Oh, well I'll have human I suppose. And l also want a blood based dipping sauce for the potatoes.

Dr. F N' F: Do you want the Ye Olde Chicken and Ye Olde Potatoes as a combo? With the combo you get a glass of absinthe, and a doughnut with your sandwich and side.

Dracula: (Becoming annoyed with the options) Yeah, sure...

After he was done, Dracula stood to the side of the bar to pick up the food. Joshua had managed to climb up a barstool and was able to get his head above the bar top. Dracula stared at the strange animal. Joshua felt the count watching him, and turned to look at him. He soon regretted looking at him though; Dracula had a look of "You'd be good _without_ a side salad". The armadillo quickly looked back to the person behind the bar and ordered a glass of absinthe. Unfortunately for him, happy hour on alcohol wasn't for another six hours. Dracula was chuckling to himself at the look on the animal's face.

-Zoom back to Van Helsing-

-when a woman stepped infront of him, blocking his view. This was the same waitress that had greeted Niff and Dracula, however the smile on her face was definitely not forced.

Waitress: Why hello there sir. You haven't seen you around here before...

Van Helsing: (Bluntly) I'm not from here.

Waitress: Oh! Well then, let me hit on you to stall on behalf of the author.

Van Helsing: .:Pouts: But-but-but, I'm supposed to be the main character!

Waitress: Awww.

The waitress gave Van Helsing a big hug, and he welcomed it. No one but Carl ever gave him much needed hugs.

-Zoom back to Niff-

Niff was tired of sitting and waiting for Dracula with their food. He had been gone for atleast fifteen minutes now, and Niff wasn't one to just sit there. So as she people watched from the booth, she noticed someone sitting at another booth just across the room. The woman looked kind of bored, but friendly (unlike everyone else in the tavern), so Niff walked across the floor of the Ye Olde Tavern to introduce herself.

Niff: Hello; you look about as bored as I do.

Britt: (Laughing) Yeah, pretty much.

Niff: My name is Niff.

Britt: Oh, well hello Niff, my name is Britt, and I'd introduce my date if he were here...

Britt stared over at the bar where Joshua was, with a look of annoyance. Niff looked in the direction and found Dracula smirking to himself and standing around waiting.

Niff: Yeah, I'd do the same with my date but he's at the bar as well.

-Zoom to bar-

Eventually, the doctor put Dracula's order on a tray and slid it over to him.

Dr. F N' F: .:Winks: Here you go Vladislaus...

Dracula glared at them and picked up the tray. He turned around to go back to the booth, when Niff flagged him over. In short, Dracula made his way over to Niff and Britt, and there Niff introduced Britt to Dracula. Britt offered for them both to sit down, and as she did, Joshua came scurrying over to the booth. He was paying attention only to where he was going and balancing the absinthe on his back, that he didn't realize whom else was at the table with Britt before he got there.

Britt: (At seeing the animal) There you are Josh; it's about time!

The armadillo looked up and realized that there were three people staring at him, one of which being Dracula, who was still giving him a hungry look. Britt gingerly took the glass of absinthe from Joshua and set it down on the table. Meanwhile, Joshua was panicking. Does he stay with Britt, and risk the possibility of being eaten, or does he run out of the tavern to find a friend another day? It wasn't long until there was an absence of rodent in the Ye Olde Tavern.

Britt: I have no idea what his problem was; to be truthful I didn't really like him anyway.

Dracula meanwhile had a large grin on his face, and sat down at the table alongside Niff. He began to sort out the food on the tray.

Niff: Aww, don't worry about him. Would you like some of my potatoes?

They all pretty much shared their food with eachother, with the exception of Dracula who kept his drink to himself. Britt, figuring that this "Count Dracula" was just another human being, didn't understand why he refused to share. Apparently, the Ye Olde Tavern just made an investment in drinking straws and was now supplying each drink with one.

Dracula took a sip of his drink through the straw and make a "ssskkkkrrrsskkkkrrr" sound.

Britt: .:Raises an eyebrow: So what exactly are you drinking?

Dracula: (Simply) You don't want to know.

Britt: Oh please; don't be so dramatic. What is it?

Niff was quick to change the subject.

Niff: (Looking at the doughnut on the table) Is that doughnut for me?

Dracula: Yes, it came with your meal.

Niff took it off the tray and took a small bite out of it.

Dracula: (Eyeing it) It actually looks quite delicious.

Niff: I didn't know vampires could eat normal food.

Dracula: Ofcourse we can, atleast according to this author anyway.

Niff: That's awesome! Here, have a bite.

She handed the doughnut over to Dracula and he sunk his fangs into it as Britt took a deep swing of absinthe.

Dracula handed Niff back her doughnut, which was considerably lighter than before. At a further examination of the pastry, Niff noticed something very wrong.

Niff: YOU SUCKED THE JELLY OUT OF MY DOUGHNUT!

She waved it around in the air making Britt, (as well as a few other people) stare. Dracula's eyes went wide at the sudden outburst.

Niff: .:Points to the doughnut in her other hand: Look at it! It's just a flakey shell now!

Dracula: (Under his breath) Kind of like my last three brides...

Niff stopped waving the pastry in the air and placed it back on the table.

Niff: .:Sighs: You owe me...

Dracula chuckled and put his arm around her. Britt however, was still curious as to what the count was drinking.

("ssskkkkrrrrskkkrrrr")

Britt: Really though, what are you drinking?

Niff was a little nervous as to what Britt's reaction would be, that, and she was also quite amused because Dracula reminded her of a "Dracula" in a movie she had once seen.

Dracula grinned with a red tinted smile.

Dracula: Blood. Human blood, to be precise.

Niff: (Quickly) But don't worry! He might be evil, but he's a sweetie.

Niff threw her arms around Dracula's head and neck, squeezing him. Britt was disgusted, and confused.

("ssssskkkkkrrrrrrssssskkkkkkrrrr")

-Zoom back to Van Helsing-

At this point, Van Helsing had pretty much told the waitress his life story. Van Helsing also found out that the waitress' name was actually Waitress Von Hostess.

Van Helsing: So now, I'm here to announce my quest.

Waitress walked away and let Van Helsing address the mass of people in the Ye Olde Tavern.

Van Helsing: I need your attention everyone!

Everyone looked up, including our three friends back at the table; one of which sat in a silent rage.

Van Helsing: I have been looking for this tavern for a very long time, and to seek out the three chosen people inside it. I am looking for a young woman who is a combat artist and in top physical condition, a woman who is an expert in changing appearances, and a Christ figure.

Man: Why a Christ figure?

Van Helsing: (Reading off his paper) "Because every good story has to have one."

And so Niff, Britt, and Dracula stood up and walked over to Van Helsing.

(All three: .:Not moving: WHAT?)

(Narrator: You heard me! Go!)

(Britt: Hell no! I'm not going anywhere.)

(Dracula: .:On the brink of going hellbeast: You cannot make us do this.)

(Niff: .:Putting her hand on Dracula's shoulder to calm him and looking at Britt: I don't think there is anything we can do...)

(Narrator: GO!)

And so, with Dracula trembling with rage and loathing, Britt extremely pissed off at the power of the narrator, and Niff just trying to keep everyone calm, they made their way to the front of the tavern. Dracula had put his cloak back on with the hood up. As they stood up from their booth, a table of three very heroic looking figures also stood, but were suddenly smitten by the author.

Van Helsing was actually quite pleased that he got a response from the crowd, and became very excited when three figures appeared from the back of the tavern. They slowly made their way towards him, but the closer he got, the more worried he became. They eventually stepped before him in a line, as if these were the chosen people, a light shined down upon their heads. Well, all of them except Dracula's. He angrily flicked the light that had magically appeared above his head. It flickered on for a second and then went back out. The vampire let out an irritated sigh.

Van Helsing: Ah, my fellow Holy questers! ...Wait a second...

The lights quickly vanished.

Van Helsing: Britt!

Britt: Hello Van Helsing.

Van Helsing: ...Please don't tell me you're the shape shifter I'm looking for...I mean..._how are you?_

Britt: You're as pitiful as ever, you know.

Niff looked over at Britt with an eyebrow raised.

Britt: We used to date.

Dracula took a sharp look towards Britt, and Niff just nodded.

Van Helsing: (To Niff) Are you the combat artist?

Niff: .:Considering her other option in this: Yes! Yes I am.

Van Helsing frowned noticing that she had no weapons of any sort, and didn't seem to be in the best physical shape. He then moved over to the tall figure in the dark cloak.

Van Helsing: So you must be the Christ figure.

Dracula: BULL SHIT!... I mean...:calms himself to be his usual count-like self: _Hello Gabriel._


	7. The Helsing Van

Chapter Six

The Helsing Van

Sorry for the lack of an update. I've had this chapter written for a while but it takes a lot of effort on my part just to convert files on different Mac OS's, and I have been very busy as well as very lazy.

Ok, to the people at school or wherever who actually read this in the usual intended format, I'm sorry, but because of my laziness I am now only going to write this in the Fanfiction .net form instead of writing it then having to go back and convert everything. You guys most likely won't care anyway seing as how you put up with my poor typing skills anyway, let alone a format change.

To the FF .net people: Thank you to the people who have reviewed (Esp, to "RozzandMaya" who I didn't get to thank when I reviewed your fic, so I'll just thank you here.) !

This chapter is a bit shorter than my other ones and I don't like it much, but it'll have to do as I seem to be on writer's block.

Van Helsing's eyes opened very wide, and his hands quickly went to his crossbow. Dracula pulled off his hood.

Crowd: GASP!

Dracula rolled his eyes at their sudden outburst, but then went straight back to Van Helsing, who had his crossbow mere inches from Dracula's face. Dracula had a smirk, Van Helsing had a look of disbelief, Niff had a look of worry, and Britt had a look of annoyance. All in all, it was quite tense and the room had gone almost completely silent. No one moved, until-

Announcer: "Ye Olde Tavern is proud of it's new relationship with Krispy Kream Doughnuts..." (1)

because that happens to break the tension anywhere you put it.

Dracula: Now Garbriel, that's not a very nice way to greet an old friend.

Van Helsing gritted his teeth.

Van Helsing: I thought I killed you for good. Obviously I was wrong, so let's try it again.

At that, Van Helsing shot rapid-fire twelve arrows at Dracula, but like most action characters, only one of them hit their target. Dracula looked up at the arrow sticking out of the middle of his forehead as Niff clung to him.

Niff: (To Van Helsing) LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Dracula sighed, and tried to pull out the arrow. At this time Britt had backhanded Van Helsing.

Britt: (To Van Helsing) Why do you always have to shoot everything you see! If I can remember correctly, this was _exactly_ the reason we broke up!

In the backround we see Niff helping Dracula try to shove the point of the arrow out the back of his head.

(Dracula: Damn arrows; the only way to get them cleanly out it to push them out the other side, like fish hooks...)

Van Helsing: (To Britt) Look, I've been searching for _weeks_ trying to find three people. I finally get here, and what do I find? - A failed shape shifter, some girl, and a creature from Hell which I've failed in killing each time I encounter him!

Crowd member: Yeah, you tell her Van Helsing!

Britt spun around and proceeded to completely bitch out the crowd member until they shut up.

(Dracula: Ow, ow... Thickiiee micker grrrshick zee!)

(Niff: .:cringes: I think we hit the language-control part...)

(Dracula: (In agreement) Gruewdsicklez...)

There was a small cracking and squishing noise as the arrow appeared from the other side of Dracula's head. Niff quickly broke off the tip and Dracula brought the shaft back through his forehead. The wound immediately began to heal itself.

Suddenly, in all of the hysteria, the angel appeared beside Van Helsing. Everyone stopped and stared. Well, everyone stared except for Dracula, who had his eyes fixed on a spot on the wall.

Angel: Well Van Helsing, I'm really quite surprised that you actually found your correct party.

The angel fondly looked over the small group, until it's eyes fell on Dracula. Dracula could feel the angel's eyes on him and he shifted uncomfortably with a set jaw. It's eyes rested on him for a moment, but then moved away to look upon the group as a whole.

Angel: I'm sure that will all of your help, you can complete this misson. When completed, I'm sure you will all get something out of it as well. Whether it be a better understanding of others,-

The angel gave a small glance towards Van Helsing.

Angel: Or perhaps something a bit greater...

As it said the last part, it's eyes moved once again to Dracula. Dracula's gaze had now moved from the wall to the floor. It gave a small smirk, and turned it's head back to Van Helsing who had a look of pure shock.

Van Helsing: You have _got_ to be kidding me...

Angel: Are you accusing me of lying?

Van Helsing: No! No, ofcourse not, it's just... _God_ chose _him_:Nods towards Dracula:

Angel: (Grinning) I don't question, and neither should you. Now, take your party and head North. Remember, the book must only and can only be destroyed by-

Suddenly something started beeping. The angel took out a pager from it's robes.

Angel: Oh! I gotta go; there's a security break on cloud seven. Good luck to you all!

At that, the angel dissapeared, leaving everyone in the room in a very awkward silence; an awkward silence that Britt didn't mind breaking, with a very wide grin.

Britt: (To Van Helsing) Well I guess you'll have to deal with us anyway. And best of all, you can't try to kill any of us now.

Niff: Woohoo!

Dracula broke his distance and snickered at the throught - he could torment Van Helsing as much as he wanted, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Britt: Now what book was the angel talking about?

At this point in the story, the narrator interrupts the conversation and the movement of the story by relaying everything that the angel had told Van Helsing previously in the story.

Niff: Cool, so does the book really know _everything_?

Van Helsing: I assume it does...

Van Helsing took the book out of his coat and began flipping through it, only to find that all of the pages were blank. At the realization of what he was doing, he slammed the book shut and shoved it back into his coat.

Dracula: Find something interesting in there, did we?

Van Helsing: (With a glare) I didn't read any of it, thank you. No one should read through it either, and especially not you.

Everyone but Van Helsing had small smiles on their faces, all thinking about what they would do with the book.

Britt came to the conclusion, "We have to get rid of it, then we'll be heroes and become famous... That's a lot of free drinks...".

Dracula thought sadistically, "All the knowledge of God eh? Oh the things I could do with that book..."

"I bet I could come up with atleast a few questions it couldn't answer...", thought Niff.

Van Helsing, "Why are they all smiling?..."

Dracula: So Gabriel, when are we leaving on this little quest of ours?

Van Helsing: We leave now.

Niff/Britt: Now?

Van Helsing: Now.

Niff: But we don't have any horses, or supplies, or anything!

Van Helsing: Don't worry, I have every we'll need.

Dracula: Are you sure about that?

At this, Van Helsing opened the door of the Ye Olde Tavern behind him to reveal a large, grey cargo van with "The Helsing Van" written in red letters on the side.

Dracula: (To Niff) Yeah, see, the next time you want to go out to eat, we're staying at my castle and have my servants cook.

Niff: Wait, you have a kitchen full of servants to serve you meals and we _ate at the Ye Olde Tavern!_

Dracula: _You're_ the one who wanted to come here...

Niff hit her forehead with her palm and sighed.

Britt: (Referring to the van) There is no way I'm riding in that...

Later...

Britt: I cannot believe I'm riding in this...

The four of them had stepped out of the tavern and up to the van. Being as it was 1889 in Europe, gas was extremely hard to come by. The Helsing Van was an import from the US. Therefore, someone had to push it. Fortunately, the Count had built up anger, and with one hard push, the van was off and moving.

Author commentary-

Yeah, that will probably be one of the last times I refer to him as "the Count", being as how my typing skills are far under par it could lead to some unwanted laughs and/or flames (or in some cases a severe upward rating)... Anyway, moving on...

-End author commentary-

Niff: So Britt, I heard something about you actually being a shape shifter?

Britt: (Blushing) Yes, but I'm not very good at it...

Niff: What do you mean?

Britt: Well...

Van Helsing: (From the driver's seat) She means that she can only turn into a birch dresser!

Britt: HELSING!

Britt slapped him on the side of his face and sighed.

Van Helsing: Don't you know not to hit the driver?

She gave him a look of oh-no-you-didn't and he gave a slight whimper and continued driving. Dracula thought, "how can women do that?..." and Britt turned back to Niff.

Britt: Yeah, it's true; I can only morph into a birch dresser.

Dracula: _I_ can turn into a flying hell beast with a twenty foot wingspan!

Britt glared at him, and Niff stared with wide eyes.

Dracula: (Quickly) But that doesn't even compare to the many uses a birch dresser can serve as ofcourse.

Niff still continued to stare at him and moved to sit closer to Van Helsing. Dracula inwardly giggled.

(1) That was for any band geeks who went to any of the BOA competitions during the past year.

Many promises that the next chapter will be better, as I am now free to take the fic where I wish.


End file.
